“A Truth so Loud You Can't Ignore” is an introspective series on my struggles and experiences related to my sexuality. The series contains some self-portraits and a mix of my friends acting out the role of myself. I utilized color theory and its psychological influences to match the mood I wanted to portray. The photographs are about my sexuality, my journey of how I worked towards self-acceptance, and the emotions that came along with it. They represented early trauma that impacted my self-worth and identity. I examined the flaws in me that would develop for me to cope. Then I discussed how self-acceptance allowed me to grow into the person I am today. The motivation to create this series came from a need for raw exploration of my identity.
PEEK A BOO
“It’s warm here, it’s safe here. Where no one can hurt me, where the truth is hidden. It’s a secret I’ll never tell.”
From a young age I've always known that I was “different” from the other kids. I've always known I was gay. I hid that about myself. I hid in the closet. It made me feel protected from the judgment of others.
THE BOTTLE'S CRACKING
“The world is out there waiting to judge you. Stay scared. Stay hidden. When can I leave this place? When can I love me? Hush. don't let it out.”
From overthinking to hiding my true identity. I bottled up a lot of emotions inside and pretended that I was fine. In reality, my inner me was screaming for help, screaming for it to end. Bottling up and ignoring all my feelings and emotions just to suck it up for all of it to go nowhere. Keeping it all inside.
THE BOTTLE BROKE AND IT'S SPILLING EVERYWHERE
“But boys aren't supposed to cry...right? I just wish somebody will tell me it will be alright. Somebody to tell me it will be just fine.”
The bottle starts to crack. Little bits of me spilling from the pressure building from the inside. All the bottled up emotions had to go somewhere. The best way for me to let it out was to cry in the shower. It hid my tears.
INNER DEMONS
“Stop Suffocating me. Who am I? Why are they holding me back from living my truth? Leave me alone. Let me live. Let me be. These are feelings I just can't ignore. I gotta get out of my head.” Internalized hatred of myself became the devil on my shoulder. Telling myself everything was doing was wrong. That something inherently was wrong with me.
WHOEVER SAID MONEY CAN'T SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS MUST NOT HAVE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO SOLVE THEM
“Maybe this will fix me, I'll be happy once I buy enough things. Throw enough money at me and maybe the problem will be gone.”
I tried to fill the void within myself with material goods. As soon as the object came it gave me an instant sense of satisfaction and momentary happiness. Soon after it lost its spark. This led to a restless cycle of overspending money, over-consuming, and stress.
IF YOU CAN'T LOVE YOURSELF HOW IN THE HELL YOU GONNA LOVE SOMEBODY ELSE
I found love in myself and from other people. I finally found a place where I felt that I belonged. I realized that I didn’t have to conform to societal expectations nor to the people around me. I accepted myself for the way that I am. I would have never thought that I would find people who are just like me or people who love me just the way I am. When talking to my LGBTQ+ friends we realize that we have gone through these same experiences. It’s almost like a universal experience of the gays. We shared the same confusion and hardships as kids.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING CONFIDENT?
Alone in my room and looking in the mirror, I can finally see myself. Now I’m able to look into the mirror without seeing those demons on the other side haunting me. I look good and I feel good. I am happy in my own skin.
LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME
"I know what I want now"
As a hormonal pubescent teen, I admitted my own desire for something more intimate. I was able to admit that I was indeed gay and that I sexually desired other men.
THIRD WHEEL
“Where are the other boys that are like me? Where are my options? How come they get to be together and I have no one? All I ever wanted was love. This isn’t fair.”
Since most of the other gay kids are closeted or just haven’t realized their truth yet, options were limited. Finding a boyfriend became an uphill battle. This led to me being single for my entire high school career, while my straight counterparts had an easier time finding love. They were in relationships and it made me feel like I missed out on an important highschool experience. Though it might be cliche, I still never got that chance.
BREAK FREE
Finally, after all the realizations it has led me to today. After everything, I have healed and still am healing. I'm stronger than I’ve been before. I finally feel free. Free of the restraints that held me back. Free of the obligation to make other people in my life happy. Free to be myself. Free to love myself.